When Adoptions Go Bad

Sounds like the caption for a badly drawn cartoon, doesn’t it? Shallow and narrow minded - much like the snap judgments which some people make when they hear an adoptive parent speaking of problems occurring within an adoptive situation. Adoptive parents are expected to be grateful for whatever child they get. Sort of ‘caveat emptor’ – let the buyer beware. ‘You sought out, bought, and paid for this child. How dare you complain?’ This is particularly true with ‘international’ placements. ‘You saved this child from a life of terrible deprivation. Surely you knew what you were getting into.’

But often, there is little preparation by the adoptive agencies or facilitators for the long term emotional effects that childhood abuse and deprivation can bring. This may lead to trouble when older children are adopted, domestically or from other countries. Everyone, ourselves included, comes through life as the accumulation of all of our experiences, our emotional baggage. Even drastic changes in lifestyles do not erase prior problems. With infants the baggage is less but there are other unknowns. With babies we deal with issues of fetal alcohol syndrome, malnutrition and neo-natal or genetic issues. Determination of paternity may be less clear. Most of these problems are not obvious to the view of hopeful adoptive parents seeing the child for the first time -- particularly adoptive parents who are in another culture, where they cannot speak the language, have no access to specialized resources other than through the representatives of their adoptive agency, and are emotionally psyched to adore their chosen child and race home.

Every country and every adoption is different. Just because you have paid a fee to the same agency which assisted your friend does not mean that you receive an equivalent adoption. It is fact that in some sites the process of adoption is very political, in others it is a function of social services. Keep in mind that in international placements the question should usually be asked, "Why is this child being released to parents who are not citizens of this country?"

Assumption: The Agency to whom you paid a fee has pre-qualified the situation and is standing at your side throughout. We fervently wish. In some cases it is true. Some agencies are skilled, attentive, and totally committed to service. Others accept your fee, identify a child and then step totally away from any issues or problems which you might have (unless bad media publicity starts to hurt their revenues).

Nowhere have post-adoptive problems been more visible than in the recently publicized case of "Samantha" aired on 48 Hours [a CBS Video newsmagazine on February 10, 2000]. In that case the Adoptive Parents contended that they did not get accurate and complete medical information prior to their Russian adoptions of a nine year old little girl and a two year old little boy or for years afterward until they investigated deeply on their own. In the CBS broadcast, Nina Kostina, the Executive Director of the Agency (Frank Foundation and Frank Adoption Center) made a clear statement to the effect that ‘when the Adoptive Parents got to the Russian orphanage, they had more access to information than we, the Agency, did. They could have asked questions.’

The truth in most foreign adoptions is that regardless of how carefully the adoptive parents seek information, it is being filtered, intentionally or unintentionally, through a number of levels – translators, revised documents, privacy laws, stacks of paperwork which may have little or no relevance, and lack of direct contact with the personnel who actually have true information.

So, we have completed adoptions where the families return to the United States with a child who is legally one of them but not a United States citizen. The child will be covered by that Adoptive family’s health insurance policy as a ‘dependent child’ but only to the extent of the policy benefits. The family is probably not ‘indigent’ as a matter of definition, so when a problem arises (physical, emotional, or mental) with this child, the Adoptive Family may be left without resources when medical expenses run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. The State of residence probably will not help no citizenship, not financially indigent The Federal Government will have similar restrictions, as well as an Immigration barrier a ‘statement of financial responsibility for the child’ which the adoptive parents signed at the time they brought the new family member into the country. As long as the Adoptive Parents have a financial dime, they must care for the child without assistance from the Government. Health insurance will not extend beyond the policy limits which in the case of mental illness are woefully small for serious problems. Juvenile Courts and law enforcement will not become involved in ‘adoptive family matters’ if at all possible. Where Georgia citizens complain that our Department of Family and Childrens Service or Juvenile Investigators become involved too soon and too actively in their lives in circumstances of delinquent behavior by a child, in international adoptive situations the reverse is true. Where one Russian child threatens to kill or maim another Russian child in their American family home, the authorities stand back and say that they have no resources to deal with the aggressive child, and suggest other agencies to call.

So what do you do when your adopted child expresses the intention and then follows through repeatedly with efforts to kill or maim other members of the family? If it were not an adoptive situation, there would be no criticism of the family in seeking all possible avenues of help. Because the child was adopted, however, everyone has an opinion most of it that the Adoptive Family has failed the child in some way.

International adoptions may result in children who later develop physical problems. Those can be tragic, whether medically correctable or not. Mental issues can be altogether different. Attachment disorders, oppositional defiant disorders, obsessive compulsive behaviors the labels go on. We are dealing with children who, through abuse, neglect and other facets of their early environment, may have been made into psychopaths and sociopaths at incredibly young ages. They may have undisclosed, undiscoverable birth defects which manifest later in life. They may have been exposed to physical, sexual and emotional abuse which we cannot comprehend or deal with in any way.

So, the point of this article, as I ache with the Adoptive Parents of ‘Samantha’ (with whom I have had the privilege to work), is that even with the best of preparation and research, the best of investigation, the most incredible love some problems cannot be cured easily. Some problems cannot be cured at all. Some choices cannot be made without hurting someone. And no parent should ever have to decide between the lives of their two children. But if the parents must --- no one else should ever dare to presume that they as outsiders can understand or would have made better choices.

How much effort should be made to involve a Biological Father in the adoption process?

Tens of thousands of individuals are actively searching to locate an appropriate child to adopt into their family. Tens of thousands of children are in circumstances where they should be raised by someone other than the persons who gave them biological life. Putting those people together is a challenge.

Whether working through a placement by a State social services agency, a licensed child placing agency, or an independent placement, at some point in an adoption the parental rights of the birth mother must be surrendered or terminated so that she has no legal connection to the child. Procedures to separate the rights of the birth mother are well defined. Problems arise, however, when we look at the rights of men.

These ‘daddy’ rights can be broken into categories under Georgia law:

When a man is the legal husband of the woman, or has legitimated the child through court action, then his rights must be handled with the same formality as those of the birth mother.

When a man is known by name and location, then he should be given actual notification that an adoption is in progress.

When a man is not identified by the birth mother, then some additional procedure must be undertaken to determine if there is a man who would qualify for the role.

If the biological father is known to the birth mother but she refuses to give information about him, then an assessment of the risk must be made.

When the man is involved with the birth mother and available to cooperate or refuse to accept the adoptive process, then he can be made part of a court action to determine the legality of the placement. Though time delays may be involved, there will be an eventual solution to the question of ‘does he have rights or not?’

When the birth mother cannot give a name and address or it is suspected that the information she has given is not correct, then problems surface which may have no straight-forward solution. This may be best reviewed by example:

Example one: A birth mother says that she conceived while on vacation during a fling with a man named ‘Tony’ whose last name she does not remember. He said he lived in Chicago but the vacation was in Galveston, Texas. This situation would indicate that the man is a ‘transient inseminator’ but Due Process under the United States Constitution (as well as under the Constitution of the State of Georgia) would require that he be given the opportunity to know that he’s a father and the right to make a decision about his intentions. Here notice by publication might appropriately be required in the place where the adoption is being filed, the place where the conception occurred, and the place where the birth father was believed to live. The objective is to make certain that he does not appear later and contend that he would have raised the baby himself if he had only known about the birth.

Example Two: The Birth Mother swears that she had relations with several men and cannot guess which of them is the biological father of the child. Suggestion: scientific certainty is not required. Notice is the important factor. If each man is contacted and is willing to deny paternity, then maximum protection can be achieved. The risk in an adoption is a man who wants to parent, not a horde of men who do not.

Example Three: The Birth Mother names a man she dates but fails to name her fiancé with whom she had lived for the preceding year before the pregnancy became discernable. This is the horror story from which television movies are made. If not properly investigated, then the outcome could be a post-adoption challenge by the birth mother through a cooperative man who is able to PROVE that he is the biological father of the child and did not know of the adoptive placement. An illustration I often use is that reliance on how the birth mother feels today about the man is no guarantee. In two years she may have totally altered her allegiance and want to draw him to her by means of this child. . . Or she might wish to use his cooperation so that SHE can recover the child for herself. . .Or she might have an automobile fender-bender with his vehicle at a stop sign a year down the line and in an irate moment reveal something like ‘You’re a swine and I gave away your baby.’ This man is a huge risk because he was never involved in the choices relating to the adoption and may have due process rights which cannot be cut off by mere passage of time.

What about the Putative Father Registry in Georgia? Wouldn’t that be protection to the adoptive parents? The answer is that this registry is important, but exists in this State. A very few other states have registries but there is no national bulletin board to which men can look. In the first example above, how would a man know to register in Georgia if he only saw the Birth Mother in Texas. How would he understand the need to register if he were still living with the Birth Mother and she merely took time away "to care for a sick relative" or because "her job took her away," and he didn’t have knowledge of the baby conception or birth? Sounds as if he were blind, stupid and deaf, but some birth mothers can deceive everyone about them regarding their medical status right up to the last minute. Think of well publicized cases where the Birth mother delivers the baby at a college prom or on a weekend away from her parents’ home.

Each and every situation must be examined in light of the people involved, their specific facts, and with knowledge of the risks the adoptive parents are willing to assume. A trained professional should be retained early in the search procedure to identify and reduce the jeopardy in every way possible.

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