[1]
until the child reaches the age of fourteen years, but
as of July 1, 2000, children
as young as age eleven in Georgia have the right to express their
opinion to the Court and have it given consideration.
More importantly, when
a child is allowed to speak up,
other siblings in the family may be included in that elder
child’s choice because there is a strong inclination to keep sibling
groups together. If the older
child shifts then other children may be pulled along as well.
When
the adults are in emotional turmoil they may be suffering medical
depression, anger, aggression
and stress related to economic survival. The
Custodial parent may
unintentionally extend these behaviors into the relationship with
the child, withdrawing
love, affectionate touching, and
playfulness. The explanation
given to the child is that ‘mommy is tired,
there are so many problems which have been caused by daddy.’
Normal family life is not possible. The
child begins to see the father as the reason for all problems,
regardless of the true source.
The child may be asked pointed questions after each visit
with the father, and innocent comments by the child may be evolved
by the custodial parent into stories of physical abuse,
inappropriate sexual behavior, or
neglect. For
example, a child of
five is not able to recite to the mother what he had for lunch while
visiting with the father. The
mother later tells a neighbor that the father did not feed the child
all day. After hearing that
story three or four times, the child believes that he was not given
lunch at all and that his father did not care if he went hungry.
Children
in divorce or separated situations have often lost their sense of
stability. One parent
is gone. If they are not
careful the other may disappear as well. The
child tends naturally to align with the parent who had control of
their physical well-being most of the time. Add
to that issues of bribery
by the custodial mom, threats
of punishment, and
general discomfort in the home when mom is sulking because the child
had a good time speaking with dad on the phone – these are potent
reasons why the child must keep the more prominent parent happy.
If
you are the non-custodial parent or relative, you
should begin to document alienation
conduct as soon as you perceive the existence. Keep
a journal or calendar of events.
These
types of conduct may be indicative:
1.
The children begin to make excuses and other plans so that
they do not follow visitation schedules.
They say they have commitments and other activities at which
you cannot be included.
2.
The mother may become rigid on times for pickup and delivery
and punish if there is slight deviation.
3.
The mother will interpret the father’s time as all of the
time available for him and
his family so that grandparents, siblings and others will
have to consume portions of the father’s limited time to see the
child.
4.
The mother will make assumptions about the father’s lifestyle
and friends and use these unproven assumptions to deny visitation
opportunities. “Your
father’s friend uses drugs. Your
father must also use drugs, so you should not be overnight with
him in his home or be in a car which he is driving.”
5.
Gifts and communications are not acknowledged or are refused.
6.
Mother ceases to inform the father of medical issues and
appointments. Ultimately
the only way the father knows that a medical problem has existed
is if the child mentions it or the mother demands that the bill
be paid.
7.
She will cease to provide school reports, class
photographs, and information, and may tell the child that she has
done so but that the father was not interested.
8.
Mother claims that she wants the child to visit or speak
with the father, but messages from the father are apparently not
delivered. Phone
calls are met only with an answering machine. The
children are ‘outside’ or ‘not home’ when he calls.
9.
The mother makes rules for times and methods of communication, such
as limiting calls by duration and time of day. Then
the children are not made available during the ‘allowed phone’ hours.
10.
The mother will hover nearby when the child talks on the
phone to the father, or
may tape record conversations so that the child is overly cautious
in what he says.
11.
The mother ‘schedules the father’s time with the children’
by telling the children about parties and events which will take
place while they are with the father, effectively
forcing the father to adhere to those activities or disappoint the
children.
12.
The mother lets the child skip homework during her time so
that it has to be completed on the father’s time,
or she will create additional ‘practice’ assignments which
the school does not require so that the child will be busy while
with the father.
13.
She will make last minute changes to arrangements and fail
to inform the father or
give notice after he has already
set events in motion. If
the father protests, then the visit is canceled. If
the father cannot agree to her changes, then she reduces his available
time while she ‘handles’ things. Examples
are where she starts her activity too late to get the child back
in time for the father’s visit to start,
or where an activity is scheduled and she receives notice
of cancellation but does not tell the father until he is picking
up the child to attend (Boy scout campout set for the weekend.
She is told of cancellation on Wednesday but does not tell
father until Friday at 5:00 when he is enroute to pick the child
up at 6:00 pm, packed
and ready. But she also prohibits
the father from having direct contact with the troop so that he
could have received the information when it was issued.)
14.
She will insist that she know specifically what is planned
by the father and then what occurs with the child but will provide
no information regarding activities on ‘her’ time.
The children will be told that this is what the Court Order
requires.
15.
She will write letters with conditions and changes in visitation
times but mail it so that delivery is impossible in the time allowed.
16.
She will misinterpret or twist what the father says or does
to give it an unfavorable implication.
17.
If the father helps in any extra way,
the mother thanks him in terms and tones that she would use
to a stranger.
18.
Emphasis will be placed by the mother in all contacts she
has with school and friends that the father is not involved in the
children’s lives and should not be given information. She
may inform the school (fraudulently) that the father is banned from
all school or extra-curricular events.
19.
The mother will change the child’s environment to remove
all indications of the father’s existence.
She will cease to take the child to places where the father
was involved with them in happy activities.
If the father is accidentally encountered in a public place,
the mother will attempt to avoid acknowledgement of him.
20.
She will ask for additional money in the presence of the
child so as to coerce the father into complying. She
will use the child as a messenger and have the child initiate phone
calls so that she can then take the phone and make demands.
21.
When gifts are sent on special days,
they will be overlooked so that they arrive late, damaged,
or not at all.
22.
She will duplicate gifts given to the child by the father
in order to cheapen the value of his effort. His
gifts will be accidentally broken.
Hers will be protected.
23.
If clothing is provided by the father, then she will indicate
to the child that it is tasteless, out of fashion, poor fitting,
or not suited to his needs.
24.
If there is a new partner in the father’s life,
the mother will attempt to humiliate her in some way in order
to emotionally diminish that person in the child’s eyes. The
Mother may insist that the new wife have no dealing with medical
or educational issues in the child’s life and may ‘damn her with
faint praise.’
“I’m sure that ___ is a good cook. The
directions on macaroni boxes are usually written at a level for
5th grade comprehension.”
The mother will never call the new wife a ‘step-mother’ and
will discipline the children when they do so because she considers
the role to be competitive to her own.
25.
The mother will subtly initiate arguments in the presence
of the children so that in their view the father is the one who
‘started it.’
26.
Persons close to the mother will cease communicating with
the father and, if asked, will
have no explanation as to their change in role.
Mutual friends will profess to be neutral but they remove
themselves from the lives of both.
Why
would the custodial parent interfere in the relationship between
non-custodial parent and child?
Often
the problem can be cured only by realizing the underlying causes.
The reasons are very numerous and varied.
These are examples:
·
Money. The
custodial parent may wish to have more than the non-custodial parent
is willing or able to provide and the children are leverage pawns.
·
Retaliation. ‘You
wanted a life without us. Now
you have it.’
·
New family member. The
mother forms a new romantic relationship and wants her new man to
be the father. The non-custodial
parent is a hindrance to that new relationship, an
unwanted reminder.
·
New partner’s interference. Mother’s
boy-friend or new husband wants to be the man in the child’s life
and works to exclude the father.
·
Jealousy. Mother’s
empty life is in stark contrast to Father’s recovering one.
Mother may not wish the father’s new partner to have the
role of ‘rival mother’ – particularly if she is insecure about her
own abilities.
·
Property rights. Mother
regards child as her property and is unwilling to share.
·
Social appearance.
Mother could never admit that she is not the sole focus of
her child’s life.
·
Depression, poor health. General
negative view on life interpreted by her as being a result of the
marital breakup and therefore his fault.
·
Simple hatred by the mother of the father.
·
Hostility from the father toward the mother is viewed
by her as a risk to the children as well, so she feels that she
must ‘protect’ the child by preventing the father from visiting. Mother
may have no basis whatsoever for feeling that the father will be
hostile to the child.
·
Possessiveness of the child’s attention and affection.
The Mother may have no other close family and be envious
of the father’s friends and
relatives.
·
Mother convinces herself that the father is a dangerous
human with extreme character flaws to which the child should not
be exposed. Mother assumes
that activities enjoyed by the father are risky to the child, even
though other children may engage in those same activities.
·
Mother has taken a gender approach and is hostile
to all men. This can be particularly
true if the mother has limited her own contacts to other single
mothers. She may be unable
to sustain a wholesome relationship with a man.
·
Punishment. Mother
eliminates visits or shortens contact with the father if the children
do not behave. “You have
not finished your homework. You
cannot go to dinner with your father.”
“You did not obey me about your bedtime. You
are grounded here and while you are with your father this weekend.”
·
Perceived competition with the former spouse. This
is particularly true when the non-custodial father spends more on
the children than the mother is able to do. Also
called “Disneyland Dads”,
the father uses his time in high dollar activities while
the mother has to make do on free and low cost amusements for them.
This also works in reverse with the “competitive” mom – where
the non-custodial parent plans an activity, such
as a driving vacation and then the custodial mom has to ‘trump’
it by flying the children out of the country on vacation. Neither
parent seems to notice that the TWO vacations are far more than
the child would have received if in a pre-divorce home and that
the child’s values are being distorted on a very subconscious, but
permanent level.
·
Self-esteem.
The mother’s interests and activities may be so focused on
the children that she has no life if they are not around.
She does not wish to, or cannot admit, that they have fun
if she is not part.
·
Fear of abandonment. Mother
worries that children may choose the father over her if given the
opportunity.
·
Control. The
children may be the only means the parent has of directing the life
and emotions of the former spouse.
·
Reverse control. The
mother may have never wanted a man except to sire the child and,
once that role is complete, the
mother wants him well away from her child. Watch
for parents who say ‘MY child’ when talking to the other parent.
·
Punishment to the Father for forming a new marriage.
‘You were supposed to stay single and grieve for me forever.’
·
Mistaken belief that the father was actually not interested
in the child. Many men
are not granted much of a role in baby care, so
as the child grows older and the father is ‘learning how to parent’ he
may not spend as much time with the child --which may be viewed
in retrospect as disinterest. Parenting
does not come naturally to everyone and non-custodial parents have
less of a chance to practice, with
their mistakes being more visible.
·
Lifestyle conflicts.
Mother and father have different choices in cultures, religions,
and values and she wants to isolate the children into hers.
·
Emotional dependence. The
mother may feel that the child has only so much capability for affection
and wants it all for herself.
·
Resentment of reminders of failure. The
mother may view the dissolved marriage as a failure and wish to
avoid all memory of it.
·
Concealment. The
mother may be having difficulties and does not want the children
to provide information about her situation to the father.
If
this is happening, how
does the non-custodial parent minimize the impact?
Simply
put – do not respond aggressively. If
the custodial parent is a barrier, then consider ways to circumvent
her influence. For example:
a.
Do not criticize the mother openly in front of the children.
Be supportive of them and speak favorably of her.
If the children begin negative topics about her, divert
them into other avenues. Give
the children no cause to report that there are negative discussions
of the mother when they are with the father.
b.
Lead a happy and full life into which the children are included.
Do not let the child view your home as an empty shell into
which they rattle occasionally.
c.
Develop your own interests and activities with the children. Do
not compete with the same activities which are used by the mother.
d.
Work on your parenting skills.
Interact with other young children so that you will be familiar
with your own child’s interests and games when you do see them. These
days a non-custodial father is not expected to know the names of
all Pokemon, but he should certainly have some information about
the phenomenon.
e.
Have a positive view of steps to be taken.
Avoid brooding over the problems. Involvement
in a support group or working with a counselor can be helpful.
f.
Do not take a gender view of the problem.
If you are a father who is being alienated from his child, do
not see all women as perpetrators. If
you are a woman, do
not look at all men as villains. These
problems are very closely tied to “possession” of the child and
it is a rare ‘possessor’ who does not use some of these alienating
behaviors at one point or another.
g.
Become involved with the public aspects of the child’s life. You
and other relatives can go to lunches with the children at public
school, attend PTA meetings, assist
with fund raisers, support
athletic teams. There will
be a point where the mother will look foolish and over-protective
if the non-custodial parent is a normal, interested father and does
not arrive at events wearing horns and falling down drunk as the
mother had led everyone to expect.
h.
Volunteer in activities in which the child will also wish
to participate. Humane
society events, park
cleanups, parades, school
fairs – volunteers are always needed. Even
if the child is not able to be involved with you, the child will
be reminded favorably of you whenever he sees that event or activity. Be
a helper at school. You
may not have direct contact with your child but you will have more
information through those who do.
i.
Send the child photographs of family,
including photographs of things they were happy doing together
prior to the divorce. A
single picture can do a lot to counter the mother’s brainwashing
that ‘we were always miserable when he was here.’
j.
If communications are being obstructed, subscribe
to magazines, comic books and newsletters for the child which can
be delivered by the postal service or other carrier.
Sporadic greeting cards can be obstructed more easily than
magazines which the child learns to anticipate eagerly.
k.
Help your child memorize phone numbers and provide a phone
card if necessary. Email
is developing into a wonderful tool for interaction with a child.
l.
Encourage your relatives to maintain the same relationship
they would with your child that they would have had if the divorce
had not occurred. If
grandma calls her other grandchildren on their birthdays,
why isn’t she phoning your child?
She may be rebuffed
but, over time, the
mother may not be able to intercept it all.
AND
IF ALIENATION IS OCCURRING DESPITE YOUR BEST EFFORTS?
Courts
cannot stop this in most cases.
Court Orders can command but they can’t change the
underlying problems. Often
court action only makes the situation worse and the parties less
financially able to deal with it. Direct
action often makes it worse. In
many instances the mother will remove the children geographically
so that the suggestions mentioned above are useless. What
can you do? Remember
that children see through this type of behavior if given time. Retain
some type of contact if possible, as
much as possible. Make
certain that you and your relatives never cease trying,
even when the children themselves rebuff you. Children
usually start to examine these relationships
situation in their early teenage years and by early adulthood
may even swing totally away from the custodial parent if the child
concludes that he or she has been manipulated and wrongfully isolated
from the other parent. Keep
in mind though that reunions with children in these situations will
take time and patience. The
first impetus of an estranged child to establish communication with
dad may be for the
purpose of punishing the mom, to
seek money, to express
independence. Genuine
affection may be far behind but still possible.
At
all times remember that the children are not the cause. They may
be hostage in a situation which terrifies and saddens them. Try
to stay positive and productive in all aspects so that WHEN you
are able to reconcile with your child, you
will have as few apologies to make to that child as possible.
