Dealing with Family Violence or Battering

In the United States we have conflicting cultures, political views and legal restrictions, but, as a general principle, it is not legal or moral to hit family members. What many individuals do not recognize is that acts of family violence or battering often involve much more than being struck with a closed fist. Battering can certainly involve physical contact but it can also include

· emotional abuse

· financial abuse

· verbal humiliation, profanity or abuse

· extortion

· threats against other family members or pets in order to make the victim obey,

· sexual abuse or forcing compliance with sexual acts which are demeaning or humiliating,

· damage to property nearby (such as hitting walls or thrown objects) to frighten,

· destruction of personal or sentimental property

· excessive jealousy or possessiveness

· isolation from family, friends and community,

· any other behaviors to maintain fear, intimidation, control or domination.

Abuse is most common from males to other family members but should not be ignored merely because a female or child is the source. Some children learn through school procedures, custody fights, or welfare service involvement that they can control decisions within their families. If a parent is ‘investigated’ by a welfare service due to bruising on a child (real or accidental) the child often learns that he or she can dominate the adult’s behavior by further threats of ‘calling DFCS.’ Abuse to invalids or the elderly is common and often life threatening.

Battering frequently begins as pushing, unwanted touching, name calling and door slamming. Punching a wall or pinching an arm may not seem as serious when the behaviors begin but over time can escalate into more forceful acts such as tripping, hitting, slapping, restraining grips, biting, sexual assault, kicking, choking, and pushing. Death, maiming and broken bones are more prevalent in fights within a household than they are between strangers. Use of force or intimidation frequently involves weapons. The issue usually revolves around CONTROL, not pain. If control can be obtained by denying a spouse access to money, then the batterer may not use other techniques. If the batterer does not feel that he has control in any given situation, he may flame out with violence in response to small, inconsequential acts. The Georgia Sheriff’s Association reports that the largest risk factor for being battered is the mere fact of being female, stating that over 50% of all women will experience violence in an intimate relationship and more than 25 to 30% have regular and repetitive problems with battering. Couples who are same sex partners experience domestic abuse with approximately the same frequency as that of heterosexual couples. [source - Family Violence Prevention Fund, 1996].

Involvement of drugs, alcohol, mental illness, and family history can all aggravate a situation with a batterer but these are factors, not causes. The reality is that violence and intimidate are very effective means to gain control and these behaviors are typically not punished or criticized by the communities in which they occur. Neighbors co-workers, and family members ignore the symptoms and law enforcement personnel have traditionally not treated these acts as ‘criminal.’

Answers to this question are complex.

Frequently the victim is economically dependent and has been isolated from family, friends and other support.

Often the family is not encouraging the victim to leave as the victim is not open about the type or amount of abuse and the family ‘likes’ the man.

Often the relationship between the batterer and the victim consists of mingled periods of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and the changes are not predictable. The victim may believe that the issue will not reoccur if she is ‘good’ and ‘obedient.’

The victim may fear an escalation of violence or even death as a punishment if she tries to escape. There may be threats of harm to family, pets or property if she disobeys.

She may have experience with the legal system which failed to help her, or someone she knows well, in the past. In many cases, the batterer is arrested, jailed, makes bail and then returns home before the complaining victim has even completed the police paperwork regarding the incident.

She may fear loss of custody of children, even where the children were not from this relationship.

She may have little or no access to ‘escape cash.’

There may be cultural barriers to divorce or single parenting.

She may believe that the violent episodes are ‘her fault’ and that she could eliminate the problems if she behaved better.

She may believe that this is the only man in the world who could ever have a relationship with her and this poor self image restricts her ability to see alternatives.

She may excuse his behaviors as being the results of stress, alcohol, illness, or the shortcomings of others around them.

She may realize that even if she can escape temporarily, she cannot support herself in the long run because she lacks job skills, day care for her children, or transportation.

 

Does the man humiliate you?

Is he excessively jealous or possessive?

Does he command small details of your life and behavior?

Does he ridicule your goals, talents or accomplishments?

Does he prevent you from making social plans? Has the relationship caused you to cease activities which previously were important in your life so that you could meet his needs?

Is there use of drugs, alcohol or prescription medications to a degree which is not medically required?

Does he have a ‘bad temper?’

Does he have a history of solving problems with violence?

Are there family violence problems with his parents or other relatives?

Does his discipline you? Strand you away from home? Call repeatedly to check on you or verify your activity when you are not together?

Does him make you feel that you are insignificant or unable to make choices?

Do you feel that there is no way out of the relationship?

Does he stalk you or place you under surveillance?

Do you alter your behavior in order to prevent unfavorable mood changes in him?

Does he ask or require that you use sexual behaviors which make you uncomfortable?

Does he touch you in an aggressive manner to gain your compliance?

Does he carry, gesture with or use weapons during quarrels?

What should you do if you are in a relationship or have left and cannot evade his continued presence?

1. Examine your community for places of refuge. For example, if you are being stalked or followed, go to your local police station or a very public, controlled place. Privacy encourages abusive behavior. In a public place, other people are more likely to intervene (even if only to avoid a disturbance to other customers in their restaurant).

2. Keep money with you at all times, even if only coins. Escape funds need only be enough to get you away from the violence. Survive first and then worry about tomorrow’s shelter.

3. Have a friend, co-worker, relative, or support group member who will be a safe person to contact if you are in jeopardy. This person should not be revealed to the batterer, even in times of domestic harmony.

4. Do not allow yourself to be ‘boxed’ in during a fight. Stay in rooms with more than one exit. Know how to get out of the house and practice an escape route.

5. Memorize important phone numbers. If he knows that you will not leave without your purse and address book, he can use that as an anchor to prevent your escape.

6. Get involved with a support group, church, or social worker. The issue may not be covered by medical insurance but the victim needs supportive ‘treatment’ for recovery as well. Domestic violence support groups usually have local connections for legal, medical and economic assistance as well.

7. If you have escaped, do not stay alone - but warn the persons with whom you stay that there is a risk. Keep a photograph of the batterer so that others will have an opportunity to identify him if he appears but uses another name or pretext for being in the vicinity.

8. Change phone numbers and locks. Screen telephone calls and tape them if possible and legal in your area. In Georgia you may do so if the call is made into your answering machine (where the person expects to be taped) or if you are one of the parties engaging in the conversation.

9. Tell people briefly of your problem so that if difficulties arise they will understand the significance. Warn schools, co-workers and day care centers. They cannot help you or resist his demands if they are ignorant of the background. Basic information is all that is needed but be certain that they have that much.

10. Document the issues and maintain those records (or a copy of them) at a location unknown to the batterer. If you have all of your records in the house and the batterer knows that fact, then it is a simple matter for him to require you to destroy them in his presence.

11. Take assertiveness classes and reinforce your self image. Being the victim of an abuser is not a unique situation. There are other persons who are struggling with the same issues and you can learn from their problems. No person deserves to be abused.

There are community resources to assist you. If you have been the victim of domestic violence or abuse, and even if you believe that it will never occur again, seek out some of these resources so that you will know their location and availability if the need should arise again.

Just for a starting point:

The National Abuse Hot Line is (800) 779-7233.

The United Way referral line is 211.

Don’t rely on the abuser to stop. Don’t believe that you can change him or that you are the cause of it all. Consider where you want to be a month, year, or five years in the future and make it happen. Rely on yourself to survive. Regain control of your own life and don’t continue to be only what HE expects you to be. Become the person YOU want yourself to be.

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