In the United States we have conflicting
cultures, political views and legal restrictions, but, as a general
principle, it is not legal or moral to hit family members. What
many individuals do not recognize is that acts of family violence
or battering often involve much more than being struck with a closed
fist. Battering can certainly involve physical contact but it can
also include
· emotional abuse
· financial abuse
· verbal humiliation, profanity or abuse
· extortion
· threats against other family members
or pets in order to make the victim obey,
· sexual abuse or forcing compliance with
sexual acts which are demeaning or humiliating,
· damage to property nearby (such as hitting
walls or thrown objects) to frighten,
· destruction of personal or sentimental
property
· excessive jealousy or possessiveness
· isolation from family, friends and community,
· any other behaviors to maintain fear,
intimidation, control or domination.
Abuse is most common from males to other
family members but should not be ignored merely because a female
or child is the source. Some children learn through school procedures,
custody fights, or welfare service involvement that they can control
decisions within their families. If a parent is ‘investigated’ by
a welfare service due to bruising on a child (real or accidental)
the child often learns that he or she can dominate the adult’s behavior
by further threats of ‘calling DFCS.’ Abuse to invalids or the elderly
is common and often life threatening.
Battering frequently begins as pushing, unwanted
touching, name calling and door slamming. Punching a wall or pinching
an arm may not seem as serious when the behaviors begin but over
time can escalate into more forceful acts such as tripping, hitting,
slapping, restraining grips, biting, sexual assault, kicking, choking,
and pushing. Death, maiming and broken bones are more prevalent
in fights within a household than they are between strangers. Use
of force or intimidation frequently involves weapons. The issue
usually revolves around CONTROL, not pain. If control can be obtained
by denying a spouse access to money, then the batterer may not use
other techniques. If the batterer does not feel that he has control
in any given situation, he may flame out with violence in response
to small, inconsequential acts. The Georgia Sheriff’s Association
reports that the largest risk factor for being battered is the mere
fact of being female, stating that over 50% of all women will experience
violence in an intimate relationship and more than 25 to 30% have
regular and repetitive problems with battering. Couples who are
same sex partners experience domestic abuse with approximately the
same frequency as that of heterosexual couples. [source - Family
Violence Prevention Fund, 1996].
Involvement of drugs, alcohol, mental illness,
and family history can all aggravate a situation with a batterer
but these are factors, not causes. The reality is that violence
and intimidate are very effective means to gain control and these
behaviors are typically not punished or criticized by the communities
in which they occur. Neighbors co-workers, and family members ignore
the symptoms and law enforcement personnel have traditionally not
treated these acts as ‘criminal.’
Why does a person remain in a battering relationship?
Answers to this question are complex.
Frequently the victim is economically
dependent and has been isolated from family, friends and other
support.
Often the family is not encouraging the
victim to leave as the victim is not open about the type or
amount of abuse and the family ‘likes’ the man.
Often the relationship between the batterer
and the victim consists of mingled periods of ‘good’ and ‘bad’
and the changes are not predictable. The victim may believe
that the issue will not reoccur if she is ‘good’ and ‘obedient.’
The victim may fear an escalation of
violence or even death as a punishment if she tries to escape.
There may be threats of harm to family, pets or property if
she disobeys.
She may have experience with the legal
system which failed to help her, or someone she knows well,
in the past. In many cases, the batterer is arrested, jailed,
makes bail and then returns home before the complaining victim
has even completed the police paperwork regarding the incident.
She may fear loss of custody of children,
even where the children were not from this relationship.
She may have little or no access to ‘escape
cash.’
There may be cultural barriers to divorce
or single parenting.
She may believe that the violent episodes
are ‘her fault’ and that she could eliminate the problems if
she behaved better.
She may believe that this is the only
man in the world who could ever have a relationship with her
and this poor self image restricts her ability to see alternatives.
She may excuse his behaviors as being
the results of stress, alcohol, illness, or the shortcomings
of others around them.
She may realize that even if she can
escape temporarily, she cannot support herself in the long run
because she lacks job skills, day care for her children, or
transportation.
Recognizing and avoiding an abusive relationship
can be far better than escaping one. Some of the factors which should
be considered are:
Does the man humiliate you?
Is he excessively jealous or possessive?
Does he command small details of your
life and behavior?
Does he ridicule your goals, talents
or accomplishments?
Does he prevent you from making social
plans? Has the relationship caused you to cease activities which
previously were important in your life so that you could meet
his needs?
Is there use of drugs, alcohol or prescription
medications to a degree which is not medically required?
Does he have a ‘bad temper?’
Does he have a history of solving problems
with violence?
Are there family violence problems with
his parents or other relatives?
Does his discipline you? Strand you away
from home? Call repeatedly to check on you or verify your activity
when you are not together?
Does him make you feel that you are insignificant
or unable to make choices?
Do you feel that there is no way out
of the relationship?
Does he stalk you or place you under
surveillance?
Do you alter your behavior in order to
prevent unfavorable mood changes in him?
Does he ask or require that you use sexual
behaviors which make you uncomfortable?
Does he touch you in an aggressive manner
to gain your compliance?
Does he carry, gesture with or use weapons
during quarrels?
What should you do if you are in a relationship
or have left and cannot evade his continued presence?
1. Examine your community for places
of refuge. For example, if you are being stalked or followed,
go to your local police station or a very public, controlled
place. Privacy encourages abusive behavior. In a public place,
other people are more likely to intervene (even if only to avoid
a disturbance to other customers in their restaurant).
2. Keep money with you at all times,
even if only coins. Escape funds need only be enough to get
you away from the violence. Survive first and then worry about
tomorrow’s shelter.
3. Have a friend, co-worker, relative,
or support group member who will be a safe person to contact
if you are in jeopardy. This person should not be revealed to
the batterer, even in times of domestic harmony.
4. Do not allow yourself to be ‘boxed’
in during a fight. Stay in rooms with more than one exit. Know
how to get out of the house and practice an escape route.
5. Memorize important phone numbers.
If he knows that you will not leave without your purse and address
book, he can use that as an anchor to prevent your escape.
6. Get involved with a support group,
church, or social worker. The issue may not be covered by medical
insurance but the victim needs supportive ‘treatment’ for recovery
as well. Domestic violence support groups usually have local
connections for legal, medical and economic assistance as well.
7. If you have escaped, do not stay alone
- but warn the persons with whom you stay that there is a risk.
Keep a photograph of the batterer so that others will have an
opportunity to identify him if he appears but uses another name
or pretext for being in the vicinity.
8. Change phone numbers and locks. Screen
telephone calls and tape them if possible and legal in your
area. In Georgia you may do so if the call is made into your
answering machine (where the person expects to be taped) or
if you are one of the parties engaging in the conversation.
9. Tell people briefly of your problem
so that if difficulties arise they will understand the significance.
Warn schools, co-workers and day care centers. They cannot help
you or resist his demands if they are ignorant of the background.
Basic information is all that is needed but be certain that
they have that much.
10. Document the issues and maintain
those records (or a copy of them) at a location unknown to the
batterer. If you have all of your records in the house and the
batterer knows that fact, then it is a simple matter for him
to require you to destroy them in his presence.
11. Take assertiveness classes and reinforce
your self image. Being the victim of an abuser is not a unique
situation. There are other persons who are struggling with the
same issues and you can learn from their problems. No person
deserves to be abused.
There are community resources to assist
you. If you have been the victim of domestic violence or abuse,
and even if you believe that it will never occur again, seek out
some of these resources so that you will know their location and
availability if the need should arise again.
Just for a starting point:
The National Abuse Hot
Line is (800) 779-7233.
The United Way referral
line is 211.
Don’t rely on the abuser to
stop. Don’t believe that you can change him or that you are the
cause of it all. Consider where you want to be a month, year, or
five years in the future and make it happen. Rely on yourself to
survive. Regain control of your own life and don’t continue
to be only what HE expects you to be. Become the person YOU want
yourself to be.
Whenever ‘the
law’ touches an individual’s life there can (and probably will)
be stress. Completing the purchase of a house can be stressful.
Organizing and operating a new business can be anxiety ridden. Decisions
to change the structure of a family can be monumentally difficult.
Adoption, surrogacy, custody, divorce, general parenting issues,
dealing with chronic illness, and death are all examples of life
events which can be emotionally devastating roller-coaster rides
of physical and mental stress. Unfortunately in many cases, the
very person who is the focus of the legal issue is the one who is
making the situation worse than it otherwise has to be. For purposes
of discussion, custody litigation is the example used in this article.
It could be any other type of dispute, but the arguments in custody
actions are particularly prone to obvious misuse of emotions.
Custody changes
and litigation involving children (adoption, legitimation, breakdowns
in surrogacy for example) often have to be resolved in Court. Even
with good mediation programs, these are issues which frequently
cannot be compromised between the parties because they become so
entrenched on winning their respective goals or ‘scoring’ their
personal points. There are often other players involved (such as
new spouses, other children, grandparents or social services agencies).
Worse yet, when a Court hearing occurs and a Judge makes a ruling
in this type of case, frequently the parties themselves have no
real idea of what happened during the court proceedings or why.
The first
step in approaching a situation which might result in a Courtroom
appearance is to realize that YOU, the essential person, will not
be in charge. There
are rulings of evidence, rituals of who may speak and when, and
each Judge has a procedure for handling events in his or her Courtroom.
Whether there is a lawyer with you, against you, or neither party
has chosen to be represented, the control of what happens once the
case is called is in the sole discretion of the Judge. Parties are
often confused when their attorneys go off with the Judge and then
come back out with instructions and a new date for them to return
to court. Lack of control can be very frustrating.
Realize that
use of YOUR emotions is a trial tactic by both the opposing attorney
and the other party.
Everyone has emotional ‘triggers’ and someone who knows you
well can often push those buttons and get emotional responses without
your awareness that it is happening. For example, you arrive in
Court early so that you can freshen up, find your courtroom, and
get settled. Then your former spouse arrives with his new wife and
they sneer, grimace and make provoking gestures in your direction.
Then as they take a seat nearby, a comment is made as they pass
about the ‘ratty condition of your car. . . ‘ or some other irrelevant
remark. From that moment on your mind would be occupied with ‘how
badly HE keeps up his car,’ ‘how much he spends on his car, ‘ the
fact that ‘your own car would be nicer if he paid his child support
on time’ – whatever the direction of your thoughts, they are no
longer focused on the custody issues which are important to that
court proceeding. Then when you get on the witness stand you want
to find an opportunity to insert some statement about ‘cars’ and
you don’t listen or respond to the REAL questions in the best possible
manner.
Understand
that the Judge or mediator only sees a ‘snapshot’ of you and your
life. If the only
image that Judge sees is a fuming, almost irrational person who
is directing furious responses to the other party, the Judge is
not going to have a picture of an emotionally stable mother who
is focused on the best interests of her child. This can be heightened
when the other party is sitting placidly at the counsel table and
appears to be innocent of involvement in your emotional tirade –
even though he provoked it intentionally.
In preparing
for any possible confrontation (whether
it is a settlement conference, mediation, deposition, or court hearing)
review in advance the important facts which the Judge should
hear. Omit the trivialities and difficult-to-explain facts. Keep
your presentation simple and organized. If you need to do so,
or it would help, make charts, notes and summaries – but realize
that in most courts the opposing attorney can examine any materials
which you have with you and to which you refer while you are testifying.
Emotional
issues are heightened by physical discomfort. When
going to Court, eat and drink lightly before – do not put yourself
in a situation where you must excuse yourself repeatedly. You may
not be able to leave the Courtroom except during specific recess
periods, which can be few and far between. Wear comfortable, ‘church-type’
clothing. Dressing in clothing which is too casual shows disrespect
for the Court. Excessively flashy, tight, sexy, or flesh-baring
clothing is generally not well received by Judges who tend to be
older and more conservative in their personal styles. If your underwear
is pinching or slipping, your shoes are giving you pain, or your
hair is getting repeatedly tangled in your jewelry, then you will
be distracted and irritable in a situation which needs to have your
best concentration.
BREATHE.
Many people in Court and particularly when giving testimony, hold
their breath. Lack of oxygen is disorienting and heightens the emotions.
Physical fatigue is accelerated and that ‘nauseous’ sensation gets
much worse. Hard candies, cough drops, or breath mints may be useful
to restore moisture to a dry mouth – but not while you are actually
answering questions.
Have a cheering
section if it gives you comfort. But CONTROL them. –
Moral support is important. If family or friends accompany you,
however, their appearance and behavior should also be appropriate.
If they are provoking a dispute with the other party’s group of
supporters, then the Judge will be influenced (perhaps subconsciously)
about the quality of life available to the child even though not
directly at your hands. Warn your supporters that, if they are prospective
witnesses, they may not be allowed to sit in the Courtroom and listen
to the proceedings until AFTER they have testified. If excluded
from the Courtroom, they must be careful about provoking or being
provoked by the other witnesses during the long and boring wait.
Bring all
of the evidence which you may need for your case.
There is no benefit to ‘having something at home’ where it cannot
be used. However on the other hand, do not lug around burdensome
materials which are of no use or relevance to the case.
Identify
the persons involved in your case who are in the Court room.
If someone steps up to ask you
a question while you are testifying, you are well within your rights
to ask the name and role of that individual. In custody cases, particularly,
there may be attorneys representing the children, Child Advocates,
Guardians ad litem, or representatives of the social services agency
[in Georgia that would be the Department of Family and Children
Services]. All too often clients report that they were interviewed
by a person named ‘Terry’ or ‘Richard’ – no last name, no job description,
no information as to the reason for the interview. If that person
is in the Courtroom it may be VERY desirable to have access to his
or her report before they turn out to be the primary witness for
the opposing side.
Not all cases
are “Doe vs. ex-Doe.” Sometimes there are more ‘parties’ to the
action. Thus there
may be more attorneys. Be certain to observe alliances and ‘deals’
between the other parties. Sometimes when one person does not believe
that she will win, she may cast her support to another party so
that they can ‘gang up’ on you.
Coordinate
with your attorney about how you are to provide information to him
or her during the proceeding.
Your attorney has to present issues which may be different from
your immediate issues. He or she may not be able to deal with your
urgent whispered comments as thoughts occur to you. Typically, use
of a pad and pencil to write fragmentary notes is the best means
of communication. That way, the attorney can consult back with you
when the opportunity arises and have the benefit of your thoughts.
It is NEVER appropriate to yell out “liar” or “swine” while the
other party is testifying. That may occur on television but in the
real world it is not permitted or helpful.
Review your
case, your prior statements, and all evidence in advance of trial. Even
if you have to appear on three or four occasions without actually
getting started, review the material and re-read documents each
time. When you finally get on the stand you should appear knowledgeable
and credible. You may have only that one opportunity to persuade
the Court that your position is correct.
Discuss your
testimony in advance with the attorney who plans to call you as
a witness. In Georgia
it is not improper to speak with the attorney about the answers
you would give to questions. You may be asked by the other attorney
if you have spoken with anyone about your testimony and you should
be very open and candid that you have done so. Discussing the contents
of your answers is not the same as ‘scripting’ your testimony but
you will be prepared
Tell your attorney well in advance about all of the possible
negatives of your case. Your attorney cannot represent
you adequately if the first time the issue of your DUI arrest comes
up is while the other attorney has you on the witness stand. Frequently
when there is negative information, the best strategy is to bring
it to the attention of the Judge yourself so that you can make explanation
and minimize the embarrassment.
Do not attempt
to vindicate yourself in court.
If an issue is not relevant, it should not be raised as it may confuse
the Court or give the wrong impression.
Tell the
truth. Far beyond
issues of criminal offenses of perjury and false swearing is the
reality that your case is not helped if you ‘color’ the facts or
change details in order to help one side win. If any part of your
testimony is disbelieved or inconsistent with your own prior statements,
then your entire benefit as a witness may be lost.
Remember
that your actions may have consequences far beyond what is heard
that day in Court – far beyond what a Judge may put into an Order.
Where discussing the needs of
the child involved, or a disabled or elderly person, understand
that they may eventually learn about the specifics of the things
said about them in Court. It may not hurt less simply because they
were not in the room at the time.
In custody
cases, keep yourself and the Court focused on the best interests
of the child. All
too often the parties want to make the case about their own personal
feelings, fears, likes and dislikes. The court needs to decide a
child’s future. To have evidence on the child’s well-being (not
his or her selection of a custodial parent unless that is the choice
of a mature teenager where allowed by law) is much more persuasive
to a Judge than hearing that the adults cannot tolerate being in
the same room together ‘because. . .
Remember,
even if there have been prior hearings in that Court, the Judge
is exposed to hundreds of cases in very short time intervals and
cannot be expected to recall the nuances of your situation.
It may not hurt to use a few
brief words to refresh the Judge’s recollection and remind him why
you have come into Court.
Make eye
contact with the person or persons to whom your answer is given.
You may be nervous, teary, angry,
or frightened but your credibility is at stake. Generally if eye
contact is not made, the listener does not consider the answer to
have been fully truthful. We all know ‘con artists’ who are believed
even in the most bizarre situations – watch them. Direct and open
eye contact is one of their secrets.
When speaking,
please use sentences which have nouns, verbs and other necessary
words. Pronouns,
nicknames, statements without date or clear subject matter, partial
sentences – each of these can be useless and confusing. “They,”
“She,” “it” mean very little when there are many facts under discussion
and more than one noun could fit the variable. [“She didn’t mean
to do it” might be a complete answer to a question but the person
listening will have to guess who “she” is, when it was supposed
to have happened, and what ‘it’ was.] The Judge should not have
to guess what you intended to say. If the case has to be appealed,
the appellate court will only be dealing with printed words on a
page – no body language, no vocal inflection, no ‘significant’ pauses.
Sarcasm and glares are lost in the conversion into printed transcript.
While you
are testifying, if a question is asked which you cannot understand,
then do not answer it.
Ask to have the question repeated or rephrased. Some words are used
in a legal context in a way different than those words are used
in normal conversation. Do not guess at the meaning of a twisted
or confused question. Ask to have the question stated again.
Attempt to
answer any question put to you with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response, but
then continue speaking to give the explanation which may be necessary
to make sense. Do
not argue with the attorney or Judge.
Answer ONLY
the question asked. Listen carefully. Don’t volunteer information.
If your attorney wishes to have
more detail, he or she can follow up with additional questions.
If you are responding to questions from the opposing attorney, do
not give them information gratuitously. Keep in mind that the question
may have been asked for a purpose which is not the obvious one.
If the opposing side may be setting up the information for a totally
different reason than you realize at the time the question is asked
and answered.
Speak clearly
and with enough volume to be heard.
A low tone or mock whispering may imply that you are uncertain about
what you have to say or that you are reluctant to discuss the issue.
Neither gives solid foundation to your words.
Watch body
language. Frequently
there are several different ‘conversations’ occurring during the
exchange of one question and one answer based on the individuals’
expressions, gestures, eye contact and words. Only the verbalized
portions will be included on any transcript.
If you do
not know the answer or cannot recall, say that. Do not guess.
Do not be
embarrassed if you are not able to recall dates and times.
Many people cannot. However,
you may be able to place answers within a context [‘before
school started,’ ‘before she had her driver’s license,’ ‘after he
stopped drinking,’] Most people attempt to sort facts into a pattern.
Chronologies are natural patterns and the use of some format can
aid in the listener’s comprehension.
If your answer
is an estimate, an average, or an approximation – say so.
If an objection
is made by any lawyer, stop your answer immediately and wait for
instructions to go on.
Do not talk while the Judge is considering his decision, even if
it appears that the Judge is not listening or is doing some other
unrelated task.
Be yourself.
The other people in the Courtroom
are human beings too, with faults and insights of their own. They
bring their own personal experiences to Court. If you make sweeping
criticisms of ‘all people who go to Church’ but it is not relevant
to your issue in the case, you may have alienated people just because
they ‘go to church.’ So relax, confine your testimony and comments
to the issues and be truthful.
Use caution
in discussing your case anywhere in the courthouse, including the
restroom. There may
be other witnesses, potential jurors, the other attorney, or part
of the other side’s ‘cheering section’ nearby and they should not
be treated to your personal views on the strengths and weaknesses
of your case or the rehearsal of your testimony.
In an ideal
world people would be able to resolve their differences by calm
discussion with a handshake. This, however, is not an ideal world.
In the legal system which you would encounter in Georgia, the purpose
of a court hearing is to hear the truth. Over the generations, procedures
have developed so that only ‘truthful’ evidence is allowed and the
unreliable is excluded and not heard. When you have to be in a Courtroom,
then, you must present yourself and your case in a knowledgeable,
concise, honest manner. Focus on what you have to say and not the
emotional confrontations which may have brought you to that moment.
© May 2001, Lynn M. Swank
